Horriblescopes

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
You have a domineering personality and you always step up to be a leader. However all you lead people to is rock bottom. You are the type of person who goes to visit a relative in prison and you end up getting rape. The F.B.I. says 99% of child molesters are Aries. Osama Bin-Laden is a Aries!

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
You are easy to get along with and very generous. People love you for your kind heart. This is the reason you're flat broke. They say a sucker is born every day. That's not true. A sucker is born between April 20th to May 20th. MC Hammer is a Taurus!

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
You are brilliant, witty, and versatile. You are a very hands on person. The first person to masturbate was a Gemini. You are fucked up as a person because you're mother stayed drinking alchohol when she was pregnant with you. The guy who invented the nuclear bomb was a Gemini!

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
You are goal-oriented and very ambitious. You were the kid in school getting his lunch money taken every day. Now you are the guy in prison washing Hakim's underwear. Cancer women invented the blowjob. SuperHead is a Cancer!

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22)
Leo's really feel that they are the shit. The term "flossin' was made up for a Leo. Leo males drive $50,000 cars but still live with their mothers. Leo women wear Gucci and Dolce&Gabbana but live in studio apartments with no running water. The first guy to ever get his head cut off was a Leo!

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22)
Virgos are the lovers. They love to stab people in the back. Virgo men stay online trying to get little boys back to ther apartment. All Virgos live in Cleveland. Charles Manson is a Virgo!

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22)
You have high standards and treat everyone as an equal. This makes you an idiot because you never get anywhere in life. People walk over you like a drunk on the sidewalk. Most Libras have bad breath. The first person known to have AIDS was a Libra.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21)
You are known for your intensity and determination. You are determined to be a complete cocksucker. Scorpio women are strippers and porno stars. The only way a Scorpio male can get any pussy is to take it. Hitler was a Scorpion.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21)
You are an optimist by nature. You are the type to hit the lottery and lose the ticket. You give women money but never get to hit it. Women take your money and buy stuff for their real boyfriend. You invented "golden showers" because you are a nasty piece of shit. That's why nobody likes to smoke the blunt after you!

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19)
You are truly a nice person. You are the type of person who studies for a drug test. When you were 10 years old you got locked in the bathroom and you peed on yourself. Now you're the guy who cleans up the elephant shit at the circus. Most Capricorns have herpes. Scott Peterson is a Capricorn!

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18)
You enjoy being different. You like standing out from the crowd. You are the reason they made "Prozac" You have always been a few fries short of a happy meal. You still believe 2pac is alive. All members of cults are Aquarius. The first suicide bomber was an Aquarius.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20)
You are very innovative. All Pisces men take Viagra because they can't keep it up. Pisces women fart in they sleep. The first crackhead was a Pisces. Bobby Brown is a Pisces!

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2006 FLOSS MAGAZINE
HIP-HOP MUSIC AWARDS

THE UGLIEST RAPPER OF THE YEAR AWARD
THE NOMINEES ARE...
- LIL JOHN WITH HIS GLASSES OFF
- LIL WAYNE
- B.G.
- YOUNG JEEZY
- LIL JON WITH HIS GLASSES ON
... AND THE WINNER IS "LIL JOHN WITH HIS GLASSES OFF"

BEST CRIME BY A RAPPER
THE NOMINEES ARE...
- CASSIDY/2nd DEGREE MURDER
- D.M.X./IMPERSONATING A FEDERAL AGENT, DRIVING WITH A SUSPENDED LICENSE, ETC.
- BLACK ROB/ROBBERY
- LIL KIM/PERJURY
- YOUNG BUCK/STABBING
... AND THE WINNER IS "BLACK ROB"-HEY HIS NAME IS BLACK ROB AND HE WAS CHARGE WITH ROBBERY. THAT'S MAKES SENSE TO ME!"

BEST HIP-HOP COUPLE OF THE YEAR
THE NOMINEES ARE...
- BOW WOW & CIARA
- JAY-Z & BEYONCE
- JERMAINE DUPRI & JANET JACKSON
- LIL WAYNE & TRINA
- NICK CANNON & CHRISTINA MILAN
... AND THE WINNER IS "JERMAINE DUPRI & JANET JACKSON" - ANY OTHER YEAR ANYBODY BANGIN BEYONCE WOULD HAVE WON THIS AWARD BUT J.D. PULLING JANET GIVES ALL THE OTHER MAD UGLY BROTHERS HOPE."

GANGSTA MOVE OF THE YEAR
THE NOMINEES ARE...
- YOUNG BUCK DEFENDING HIS BOSS AT THE VIBE AWARDS
- JAY-Z TOTAL TAKOVER AT DEF JAM
- KANYE WEST SAYING PRESIDENT BUSH DOESN'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE
- WHOEVER SHOT SUGE KNIGHT
- SUPERHEAD RELEASING HER BOOK
... AND THE WINNER IS "WHOEVER SHOT SUGE KNIGHT" - GOOD LUCK AND KEEP RUNNING!

WORST ACTING PERFORMANCE BY A RAPPER
THE NOMINEES ARE...
- JUICY J. - "HUSTLE & FLOW"
- DIDDY - "CARLITO'S WAY RISE TO POWER"
- NELLY - THE LONGEST YARD
- REDMAN - SEED OF CHUCKY
- THE GAME & 50 CENT AT THEIR PRESS CONFERENCE IN HARLEM
... AND THE WINNER IS "ALL OF THE ABOVE"

YOU NEED YOUR ASS WHUPPED AWARD OF THE YEAR
THE NOMINEES ARE...
- MASE FOR GOING FROM A PREACHER TO SIGNING WITH G-UNIT
- GAME FOR GETTING A BUTTERFLY TATTOO ON HIS FACE
- SLIM THUG FOR NAMING HIS ALBUM "ALREADY PLATNIUM AND IT DIDN'T EVEN GO GOLD
- PETEY PABLO FOR SIGNING WITH DEATHROW RECORDS
- TO ANYBODY OVER 30 YEARDS OLD AND DOING THE LAFFY TAFFY DANCE
... AND THE WINNER IS "MASE" - YOU RETIRE, THEN YOU COME BACK. THEN YOU RETIRE AGAIN, NOW YOUR BACK AGAIN. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MICHAEL JORDAN?

JUCIEST RUMOR OF THE YEAR
THE NOMINEES ARE...
- BIG TIGGER IS GAY
- EMINEM IS RETIRING
- LAURYN HILL GOT HERSELF TOGETHER
- KANYE WEST IS GAY
- JAY-Z & BEYONCE ARE MARRIED
... AND THE WINNER IS "LAURYN HILL" - IF YOU SAW THE BET AWARDS THEN YOU KNOW SHE'S STILL A FEW FRIES SHORT OF A HAPPY MEAL.

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On & Poppin

Hey everybody. Happy New Year. Thanks for coming to my site. It's been a long time coming but we did it. You know they can't hold a brother down. Anyway let's get right into it. I don't know about you buy I'm addicted to "Being Bobby Brown" on Bravo. It so sad that's it's good. Bobby Brown is going to have to do something about that bottom lip. It's throwing me off when I watch him. He be talking one-way and the lip is moving the other direction. With all this plastic surgery going on I wonder if they can transplant a new lip on Bobby. They can take a lip off a kangeroo for all I care.....I'm watching Lil Wayne's "Fireman" video and why is he wearing a pink bookbag to college?.....Roy Jones and Bernard Hopkins just signed to fight each other in March, but isn't this fight 5 years too late? What's next Sugar Ray Leonard and Marvin Hagler are finally going to sign for their rematch?....Speaking of boxing, are they really filming Rocky 6? How old is Sylvester Stallone? He got to be about 60 years old! Who the hell he going to fight in this movie, Joe Frazier!....Is Chris Tucker ever going to make another movie?....Can somebody tell Mase that God don't like ugly!....If you haven't watch the "BOONDOCKS" on the Cartoon Network your missing out on some funny shit!

If I see another vegartarian wearing leather shoes and jackets I'm going to smack the shit out of them!....I love "RUN'S HOUSE" on MTV! It's also been a big hit and has already been renewed for a second season. I also hear that MTV2 is doind a spinoff of "Run's House" with another old-school rapper. The show is called "MC HAMMER'S SINGLE APARTMENT"!...What's up with all the ugly rappers getting the bangin girls. Jay-Z is with Beyonce. J.D. is with Janet. Lil Wayne is with Trina. What's next Lil John is going to start dating Eva Mendes?....How many chapters of "Trapped In The Closet" is R. Kelly going to make. I think he's Trapped In The Studio. Will somebody give that nigga the key out the studio?....Isn't crazy how big the Black Eyed Peas blew up after they replace there black lead singer with the white one? I just hope they got a contract on Fergie because she's going to leave them like Lionel Richie did the Commodores!....Now that "Showtime At The Apollo" has went back to it's roots and hired Sinbad back as host will "Soul Train" follow the lead and hire back Don Cornelius?....I'm glad Busta Rymes and A.J. from 106th & Park cut off there dreads becuase the Predator look played out in 1991! Now if we can just get Lennox Lewis to cut his off the world will be fine!....Well that's all for now folks. It feels good to be back. Thanks Tru! I'll holla at yall next month. Word to Richard Pryor!

Weird Sexual Facts

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
(I also hear that women who read the "Superhead" book give oral sex to their men almost everyday!)

Taco bell changed the Chilito's name to the Chili Cheese Burrito, only after discovering that "chilito" was a derogatory slang term in Spanish that means "small penis"!
(My Mexican chick told me it meant "black king"!)

In many cultures, an unmarried woman is still considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her "virginity"!
(So in many countries you can actually turn a hoe into a housewife!)

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
(However it's fine if they rent a motel room!)

Studies prove it is harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive.
(Hey I could never lie to my grandmother, so what are you trying to say?)

66% of pet owners claim they allow their pets to remain in the bedroom while they have sex.
(Hence the term "doggystyle"!)

"Anorgasmy" is the clinical term for the inability to achieve an orgasm.
("Jamal-itis" is the clinical term for the inabilty to achieve an orgasm when having sex with me!)

The average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
(However 65% of these will happen in his hand. That's alot of tissue!)

The average spped of male ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
(What speed machine did they use to determine this and who was holding it?)

About 50% of women have one breast that is larger than the other.
(And I thought it was my one bad eye!)

Ancient Greeks admired the small firm penis, and considered the large member aestheically unappealing.
(No wonder the Greek Empire crumbled. Small penis thinking!)

The word "vanilla" comes from the Latin word for vagina, because of the vanilla pod's resemblance to the female genitalia.
(Now I know the real reason why I love vanilla ice cream so much!)

The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right, although the reverse may be true of left-handed men.
(What if you're ambidextrous?)

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R. U. A. Hater?

Anyone ever call you a player-hater? Do you secretly hate on someone else success? Take our test to see if your are indeed a hater!

Scenerio #1
Your best friend who works with you, just got the promotion that both of you were up for! What will be your reaction?
a. You congratulate him and tell him he was the better man for the job. (5 pts.)
b. You spread rumors around the office that he is gay. (15 pts.)
c. You refuse to work under his supervision, and quit the very same day. (12 pts.)
d. You shoot up everybody in the office and then yourself. (25 pts.)

Scenerio #2
Your ex-girlfriend just wins the $30 million dollar lottery! What will be your reaction?
a. You call her and tell her how happy you are for her good fortune. (5 pts.)
b. You tell her that if she doesnt give you $1 million dollars, you will expose the flicks you have of her giving you oral sex you on the internet. (20 pts.)
c. You kidnap her beloved poodle Noodles and hold it for ransom. (15 pts.)
d. You sue her in small claims court claiming that she stole the winning numbers from you. (15 pts.)

Scenerio #3
Your childhood friend just got drafted by the NBA, and signs a $6 million dollar contract! What will be your reaction?
a. You tell everyone that he worked hard to get where hes at and you are very proud of him. (5 pts.)
b. You spread rumors to the media that he has a very serious cocaine habit. (15 pts.)
c. You tell his wife that he will eventually leave her for a white woman. (10 pts.)
d. You pray hard every night that he tears a ACL. (15 pts.)

Scenerio #4
Your live-in boyfriend just landed a role on the new Spike Lee movie! What will be your reaction?
a. You show him your happiness by doing a strip-tease and fucking his brains out. (5 pts.)
b. You hire a spy to start tailing him immediately. (10 pts.)
c. You tell him that all hes gonna do is blow-up and leave you for a model. (10 pts.)
d. You stop taking your birth control pills so you can get pregnant by him and will always be a part of his life. (20 pts.)

Scenerio #5
Your sister just married Shemar Moore, while your 30 years old and still single! What will be your reaction?
a. You asked her how did she lock-down such a sexy hunk. (5 pts.)
b. You start a torrid affair with Shemar almost immediately. (10 pts.)
c. You tell Shemar that all your sister wants is his money and then ask him if you can borrow $20 dollars. (15 pts.)
d. You tell everyone that light-skin brothers are played out. (10 pts.)

Scenerio #6
Your next-door neighbor just cops the new Mercedes Coupe! What will be your reaction?
a. You tell him that hes doing big things and you just want to be like him. (5 pts.)
b. You snitch to the police that hes the ring-leader of a bigtime drug operation. (15 pts.)
c. You try to key the car every chance you get. (20 pts.)
d. You head down to the Mercedes dealer and try to buy something better. (15 pts.)

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Score:

80-100pts. - You were born with hate in your blood!
60-80pts. – You graduated with a Player-Hater-Degree!
40-60pts. – Every once in a while you have hate in your eyes!
20-40pts. – You're a true friend who hides his hate real good!

PLEASEBELIEVEIT!

YOU KNOW NANN BEAR!
The State of Floirda will buy 800 acres of land to help protect their threatened black bear population. The purchase is part of a plan to protect the bears as they migrate south of the state's national forrest. State officials say after they take care of their black bear situation, they will then turn it's attention to their growing black gold teeth population.

WHAT ABOUT US!
Spanish actress Penelope Cruz recently announced plans to lead a U.S. branch of the Sabera Foundation. The Calcutta-based non-profit organization which was founded in 1999 supplies food, shelter, and education to poor Indian women and children. Ms. Cruz however had no comment on whether Sabera was also going to aid black people who have Indian in their family.

TOY GLORY
Did you know that there is a National Toy Hall of Fame? In a ceremony just recently in Salem, Oregon the Raggedy Ann doll was inducted this year along with The Jigsaw Puzzle. They will join past inductees that include Mr. Potato Head, the Hula-Hoop, the Slinky, and Silly Putty. However on a sadder note it was revealed that G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip was kicked out of the Hall of Fame recently because he got the Barbie Doll pregnant!

THE BEEF MADE ME DO IT!
A New York City man is suing McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, and KFC claiming there food made him obese and unhealthy. He claims that the companies provided deceptive nutritional info and created his craving. His lawyer says he wants to pressure these fast-food joints to offer healthier options. However the man's lawyer states they want no money from the food companies. The man is hoping to settle for a lifetime supply of Big Macs, Whoppers, Wendy shakes, and Popcorn chicken!

PULL OVER!
The Justice Dept. along with The Washington D.C. Police have created a "Watch Your Car" program aimed at curbing automobiles thefts. Car owners attach a sticker to the back of their cars, indicating that they don't usually drive between 1a.m. to 5a.m. If police see someone driving the car they will immediately pull the vehicle over. However car thieves have come up with a way to get around this. Police say thieves are covering up the stickers with their own that says, "I usually don't drive between 1a.m. to 5a.m. except fot tonight!

THE ART OF CELL PHONE CHEATING!
The University of Maryland recently caught six students cheating on there accounting exam by using their cell phones to receive text messages with the correct answers. The students had their friends look up the answers on the exam answer key that had been posted on the Internet. Officials caught the students in a sting by posting a fake answer key. One student who did not cheat stated that he would have cheated but he had used up all of his daytime minutes.

SUPERCOP!
In a effort to spruce up the image of the LAPD, officials have introduced their very own doll. The doll named "Officer West" comes equipped with a standard gun, badge, nightstick, and some cool sunglasses. The doll cost around $40 and is very popular among officers children. The doll is white but officials say future versions will include Black, Latino, Asian officers.We decided to run a test to see how the doll handles the tough L.A. streets. After a few hours of eating donuts, the doll shot an innocent homeless man six times, robbed two drug dealers of their stash, before shaking down a carload of Mexicans!

DOWN HOME CLONING!
The Mississippi House of Representatives recently passed a law to outlaw human cloning in the state. The law would make it a felony for any cloning crime. The law next moves to the State Senate where it's expected to pass. However a law that you can't sleep with your sister was thrown out!

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